Spaceman? Listen, if you can.
Keen is the mind to wonder of the skies
And the stars and the planets that pleasure the eyes
With millions of your tokens to spare for the missions
That could send strength of man, darling into submission.
It’s amazing we pay to think outside of the sphere
And question your very existence here
When men could be using themselves for the world
They remain staring upwards, wings in-curled.
Such magical creatures men could be!
If they could look back at their land and maybe see
World; abandoned; no floor undiscovered
Yet poverty, worry, war remain covered
Under the blanket that shields men’s eyes from the fright
That lies in this world...
..So let’s try with our might
To change man from looking up at the stars and the moon
And unfurl the world from a terror-cocoon.

4 Comments:
i'm not overly fond of this one - the rhythm doesn't work perfectly and there's not a lot of punctuation, but it's a nice idea. is there a particular message about space travel that you're trying to get across?
i think if you took out a lot of the 'filler' words from this and took out the rhyme scheme, this poem could be really successful - but that's my opinion, obviously!
I don't think it's supposed to be overly-rhythmic, nor full of perfection.
I think it's ok as it is
and to be honest,
I think the rhyme scheme works really well with the message
as it seems more like a fixed rhythm which is a paradox i'm sure to what the message is; fixing an idea.
that's my interpretation of the poem anyway, and i think people can have their own interpretation, and i quite like this one.
i think this poem works but it sounds as though it is meant to fit a pattern but doesn't quite reach it, if they are making it a fixed pattern in order to make a point, they need to stick to it or make it more obvious. i do really like the poem, but there are certain lines that are a few syllables too long and to me, it sounds as though it is not intentional.
if the rhythm was worked on i would really love this poem though! i mean, really really! i hope we can punlish the finished piece x
Hello! i wrote this poem..
but! because i did, i say it how i hear it!
therefore to me it seems as though it fits
so i'd love some suggestions on how to make it fit better..
and perhaps at the next meeting we could read it through together!
thankyou for the constructive critisism though!
Post a Comment
<< Home