aggscreative

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

[Thank you for the constructive critisism, please do let me know if it has improved!]

I thought that night, you had forgotten me.

As I lay beneath a spark-spangled sheet
The breath of Miss. Night leads me to thievery!
The discarded cocoon of a forgotten little lifery
Lies mournful on dewdropped tickler carpet.
I wrap myself tightly in woven masterpiece
Masterpieced by Mr. Mr. Butterfly
Now dining with Mrs Butterfly, and the little butterflees.
Butterbutterflees.
And I wait for thee.

Pitterpatterkins begin to kiss the ground
Begin to kiss my rosy cheeks, my button nose
All forbidden kisses. Then little petters
Start to pitterpatter harshly
Where’s your love lover love lover love?
Pitter patter lonely? Pitter patter lovely?
Squeaky squeak they giggle away
And I wait for thee.

Put high heavens under lock and key
For it’s time to release my bravery
I crawl unto the weeping willow
Weeping weeps of willows around my tiny body
I hold up the nearest conker shell for sheltery.
And weep willows to put a willow tree to shame!
And I wait for thee.

I play hide-and-seekyseek with the moon
But he was victorious. As he hid and wouldn’t be seeked!
Lonely lone again, waiting for mocking pitters…

And you come!
Bringing light into my night
Mister I’ve been waiting for you
My saviour from a coldsy cold, a darksy dark
From dancing shapes that steal themselves
From oak trees, birch trees, willow trees, who cares trees!
You are here and you are mine for 12 hours glee!
My Prince. My daytime.
I thought that night, you had forgotten me
But, the sun, my Prince, always rises for me.

3 Comments:

Blogger editors said...

I like it, especially the start. Constructive crit?

-the word 'the' is used a little much, possibly change for 'that' 'a' or the plural, or just leave it out, if you fancy being abstract.

-i'd love to see this divided into stanzas, cos i keep losing concentration about half-way down it.


but yeah, it's nice, metaphorical concept though i've never watched madame butterfly, unfortunately.

1:00 PM  
Blogger editors said...

this one really fits the 'scrapbook' theme
i hadn't read it before but the changes must have been good

7:40 AM  
Blogger editors said...

yeah, it has thanks! the break up works well - nice one. i agree with the above comment, too.

10:34 AM  

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